DislikedGood catharsis here for a start.
My Advice: take a couple of months off. then dcide if you want to come back, then only demo trade for 6 months at least. Pick one system and DO NOT DEVIATE FROM IT.
I'm having a similar struggle myself.
And remember that as long as you have your health etc etc.Ignored
Everybody lose on forex in their 1st yr of trading. I lost much more than you in my first 6 months and I know what you mean about your inner "trickster". In my view, it is all part of the "initiation cycle".
Look at other senior traders here, read James16's thread - he himself has mentioned a number of times how he blew out numerous accounts before he started being profitable.
I think all successful traders passed from this stage of "conscious incompetence", where you know your stuff yet you keep sabbotaging yourself. You are on the right path, imho, and you will get there. Remember, this is loooooooong path, when you eventually trade profitably, you will be doing it for life. This will be your job, and you will never cease educating yourself.
Isn;t this worth 1-2 yrs of losses. Think of them as your tuition fee and do not despair. Initial account blow-ups are part of the path